Subliminal Messaging: Not Just for Network News Anymore!

Written by Sar Jane Luley

I've gotta hand it to CNN. I don't even watch CNN, but recent events have suddenly increased my admiration for this news network. First, for those of you that are uninformed (the mass media, e.g. CNN, tends to avoid reporting these details), some recent events of the past month or so:

First, the black X the appeared over Vice President Dick Cheney's head as he gave a speech, which appeared for long enough to be visible to viewers. This one went without comment or notice until it was uncovered by the Drudge Report, and was then passed off as a "very, very insignificant" technical malfunction.

Then there was the clamoring flock of chickens that was "inadvertently" released by a CNN sound man as President Bush and Vice President Cheney were greeting Prime Minister Tony Blair at the White House, which were later rounded up by the Secret Service and returned to CNN (May I ask what the CNN news camera team was in need of the chickens for?)

And then, of course, there was the crawl at the bottom on the screen running (for a full 90 seconds) on CNN that read "DIE, CHIMPHITLER, DIE, DIE" as President Bush pardoned the Thanksgiving Turkey--an "unfortunate glich," according to a CNN spokesman--also rebroadcasted by other stations around the globe. Another unfortunate glich, no doubt.

Does anyone else recognize the sheer genius of CNN here? They pull this off not once, but three times--and yet you probably haven't read about it until now. I'm not going to lie, I have a lot of admiration for the bastards. Open up the IM conversation you've been having with your roommate and ask her if she thinks CNN is a mostly unbiased network, she probably still thinks it is. Hell, you probably still think it is.

Now, instead of reacting with disgust at a trusted news network trying to influence its viewers with subliminal messaging instead of reliable facts, let's get beyond that to how others could use similar techniques for their own personal gain. Sit for a second and think how CNN could market its subtle techniques to other areas of television.

For example, take a shitty football team, let's say the Texans. Take a crucial play, like right when the other team is trying to score a touchdown. Right at that moment, you could "inadvertedly" release a flock of chickens into their endzone and trip up a couple wide receivers. Nobody can question it, you just like traveling with your flock of chickens.

The flashing the X over someone's head, that's a great trick that's widely applicable to pretty much every dumb celebrity that is plaguing America. Maybe if, by an "unfortunate glich," I start flashing a red X over Ashton Kutcher's head he'll stop making dumb TV shows and find a more meaningful path in life.

CNN has caught on to early to the new age of America where we do not need facts and logic to be persuaded, only subliminal messages and chickens. Through their sheer genius, they don't even need to mix it up once and a while and flash a dunce cap over Senator Ted Kennedy's head to avoid looking like they're playing favorites. Others will certainly be joining the revolution, so be sure you don't get left behind. Surely a few very, very insignificant malfuntions could benefit anyone.