Subliminal Messaging: Not Just for Network News Anymore!

Written by Sar Jane Luley

I've gotta hand it to CNN. I don't even watch CNN, but recent events have suddenly increased my admiration for this news network. First, for those of you that are uninformed (the mass media, e.g. CNN, tends to avoid reporting these details), some recent events of the past month or so:

First, the black X the appeared over Vice President Dick Cheney's head as he gave a speech, which appeared for long enough to be visible to viewers. This one went without comment or notice until it was uncovered by the Drudge Report, and was then passed off as a "very, very insignificant" technical malfunction.

Then there was the clamoring flock of chickens that was "inadvertently" released by a CNN sound man as President Bush and Vice President Cheney were greeting Prime Minister Tony Blair at the White House, which were later rounded up by the Secret Service and returned to CNN (May I ask what the CNN news camera team was in need of the chickens for?)

And then, of course, there was the crawl at the bottom on the screen running (for a full 90 seconds) on CNN that read "DIE, CHIMPHITLER, DIE, DIE" as President Bush pardoned the Thanksgiving Turkey--an "unfortunate glich," according to a CNN spokesman--also rebroadcasted by other stations around the globe. Another unfortunate glich, no doubt.

Does anyone else recognize the sheer genius of CNN here? They pull this off not once, but three times--and yet you probably haven't read about it until now. I'm not going to lie, I have a lot of admiration for the bastards. Open up the IM conversation you've been having with your roommate and ask her if she thinks CNN is a mostly unbiased network, she probably still thinks it is. Hell, you probably still think it is.

Now, instead of reacting with disgust at a trusted news network trying to influence its viewers with subliminal messaging instead of reliable facts, let's get beyond that to how others could use similar techniques for their own personal gain. Sit for a second and think how CNN could market its subtle techniques to other areas of television.

For example, take a shitty football team, let's say the Texans. Take a crucial play, like right when the other team is trying to score a touchdown. Right at that moment, you could "inadvertedly" release a flock of chickens into their endzone and trip up a couple wide receivers. Nobody can question it, you just like traveling with your flock of chickens.

The flashing the X over someone's head, that's a great trick that's widely applicable to pretty much every dumb celebrity that is plaguing America. Maybe if, by an "unfortunate glich," I start flashing a red X over Ashton Kutcher's head he'll stop making dumb TV shows and find a more meaningful path in life.

CNN has caught on to early to the new age of America where we do not need facts and logic to be persuaded, only subliminal messages and chickens. Through their sheer genius, they don't even need to mix it up once and a while and flash a dunce cap over Senator Ted Kennedy's head to avoid looking like they're playing favorites. Others will certainly be joining the revolution, so be sure you don't get left behind. Surely a few very, very insignificant malfuntions could benefit anyone.

Brothers of a Coin

Written by Steve Alerhand

He's rich, he's powerful, and he's got a budget even Bill Gates dreams of. But he's also rich, he's also powerful, and has a payroll that dwarfs developing peoples around the globe.

These two men are symbolized by the fierce hatred that permeates the very blood of their respective rivals, down to the microscopic capillaries that filter into the webbings of Stephen Jackson's brain. Every man, beast, and living creature aspires to rip out their heart, tuck rule it in into the ground, and attack that very heart with the ferocity and rage of a Ron Artest in shackles a la Hannibal Lecter. Hello Clarisse. Ron!

But alas, the common peasant asks why this is so? Do these men not celebrate the stars and stripes like we do? Yes. Do they not live in the capitalistic society we call our own? Yes. So where is the ill doing in their free-spending ways? Where is the left turn off the Hightstown Road of charity? My friend, my poor naive friend, by the fair locks of the Princess of Wales you merely graze at the cinderblocks of truth.

For there are some, only a few, who swear loyalty to these men. By their staunch support and sheep-like obedience, they alone allow the aforementioned men to remain in power. They call themselves Republicans, they call themselves Yankee fans.

Ladies and gentlemen. One rules over the global forum as we know it, hated by every other nation in this planet we inhabit, speaking made-up words and misprounounced drawls like Jerry Jones after a third face-lift. A President George W. Bush.

The other rules over the American League with an iron fist reminiscient of the Pharaohs of Egypt, dispersing checks left and right and in all directions, looming as a constant spectre over the establishment known to the bourgeoisie as 'free agency.' A Mr. George Steinbrenner.

Now what, I ask you, what indeed separates these two Goliaths of coin, these Lords of the check, the Scorned of the honest man?

And more relevant, my friends, what would come of it if this Mr. Steinbrenner, Boss of Bosses, presided over our great nation? Just think, just think...what would happen if this were the case.

Would he buy every nuclear weapon around the world? Would he import the top Japanese and Cuban nuclear scientists to our facilities? Would he call Castro a 'fat, pussy toad?' Would he wear a turleneck?

I don't know. I can only speculate. Stay tuned.